[Leica] 'this is how the photo business works....

["kyle cassidy" <kcassidy@asc.upenn.edu>]

So, a few months ago I get a call from Artemis records. Am the guy who
photographed Carfax Abbey? Indeed. Can I fly to Ohio in two weeks to
photograph Lollippplustkill? Sadly the dates don't work for me. No problem,
Artemis will fly the band to Philadelphia. Shall they work out details with
my assistant? My assistant? I put down the phone and pick it up again
speaking in a deeper voice, "This is Mr. Cassidy's assistant. Please send a
CD, Mr. Cassidy will get back to you." They send me a CD. It's fantastic. I
call back in a deep voice, "This is Mr. Cassidy's assistant. He likes the CD
and would be happy to photograph the band." Artemis puts six guys on an
airplane and ships them out to the East Coast. Then they fly two record
company execs plus one manager down from New York to look over my shoulder
and make me nervous. Can the Leicaslacker perform when people are actually
paying him? The makeup artist and hairstylist take over my living room with
aluminum cases filled with potions and powders. I'm so baffled by the whole
thing I take a bunch of pictures of the whirlwind in my house. Nobody
wonders where my assistant is, the place is filled with so many sychophants
they assume that within the various colliding entourages some of them must
be mine. I wonder briefly if I should have called some models and had them
lounge around the place drinking martini's. The bass player pops their CD
into the sterio and stands between the speakers in a trance, leaning
forward, eyes closed, windows rattling. I'm wondering if the band is going
to trash my place. Oddly enough, they're all very polite and use coasters.
They look through my portfolio and say it's a little "too edgy" for them. Is
this not the band who sings "Kill my mother, Kill my father, I want to watch
you DIE!"? The band who's new album is called "My Socalled Knife" is wigged
out by pictures of dead rats and girls cutting themselves? The guitar player
asks Linda if she ever worries about hell. It seems to be troubling him
deeply. At midnight the record company execs take us out to a fancy hotel
bar where most of the band proceeds to get incredibly wasted (with the
exception of one guy who doesn't drink; he eats a lot of trailmix), I
photograph them scaring people in the lobby. There is a Cutco convention in
the hotel and one of the guitar players grabs a sword out of a presentation
display and runs around the bar screaming and waving it in the air. I get
great stuff. The band gets spotted by fans. They autograph cocktail napkins.
One of them goes upstairs with a pair of girls. Linda and I drink a hundred
dollars worth of cosmopolitians. The band drinks considerably more. The
record exec puts it on his corporate AmEx. The next morning we drive to
numerous locations in a swank rented van, I photograph more. They've rented
the lobbey of the Hotel Softel. we shoot there too. One of my strobes
breaks. One of my cameras jams. I pretend that nothing is wrong. Why did my
assistant forget to bring the bracket that connects the umbrella to the
stand? Where is my assistant? Obviously, I fired that irrisponsible bastard
for not bringing the proper umbrella bracket. I tape the umbrella to the
stand with gaffers tape. Periodically I speak into the dialtone of my cell
phone barking things like "If it's not properly color corrected I take my
business elsewhere. Don't fuc|< with me you little weasel; you're not the
only pro lab in town." The record execs seem pleased by this. We shoot for
two days. I make somewhere around twelve hundred exposures. They pay me
handsomely, somehow not having figured out in 48 hours that I'm a complete
fraud. Three months later I get a copy of the CD in the mail, containing
three of my most lackluster images, one intentionally blurred and two
montaged with someone elses photos the band's only in two of the photos, it
looks swell but what about all those great shots? You can't really see the
band, let alone expensive hair and makeup. No wonder CD's cost a fortune....

If you like Korn and Tool, you'll probably like LLK.....

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000066JH5/qid=1027433650/sr=2-1/ref=
sr_2_1/102-3603718-9599307

Capitol letters inserted for Jim Brick.

kc

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