[Leica] Bitter pill

[Mike Johnston <michaeljohnston@ameritech.net>]

Having cooled off, I have a few more things to say.

First of all, some evil jerk has been sending private messages through a
"filtered" server posing as Mark Rabiner--for example, I received the
following message yesterday:

>>>>>
Subject: you

Mike, you are such an asshole.  How you got to be an editor of anything
is beyond me. Why don't you just crawl back into your cave and let the
rest of Luggers enjoy life.
Fuck you
Mark R.
<<<<<

Mark Rabiner did not write this. There have been other such messages
sent over Mark's signature to other people.

Whoever is doing THAT, be ashamed of yourself--although there is
probably little hope for you, since you lack basic decency and have no
courage at all.

Second, I have a lot of faults, but a failure to come clean is not one
of them. Fact is, Mark's sarcastic, taunting message to me of a few days
ago did indeed hit home. It hurt. A lot. Why? It's true.

Seven years ago now, I was presented, abruptly and without warning, with
an infant. I hadn't seen his mother in months. She was trying to give
him up for adoption. I figured if she had the guts not to abort him, I
should have the guts to be a man and accept my, er, implication in the
matter. I basically decided that if he was my son, then I would do my
best by him, whatever that turned out to entail.

That decision completely tore up my life. I quit my job, moved away from
the city where I had lived (and where I had all my professional
contacts), and left most of my friends behind. I knew zero about raising
babies--I had never once in my life changed a diaper. Scrambling, I
managed to relocate and find a new job (at about half my former pay).
What followed were by far the most difficult two years of my life. I
learned how to care for a baby full-time while doing everything else
that needed doing, despite sleep deprivation, ineptitude, and limited
resources. To paraphrase something Mark Twain said of old age, single
parenthood is not for the faint of heart. Emphasis on NOT.

We've survived. My son just turned seven. Pretty much everything I've
done in the last seven years, pretty much every decision I've made, from
what I do to where we live, has been for his good. It's a long story,
and I'm sure you don't want to hear the whole thing. (Talk about OT.)

Point is, prior to seven years ago, I was shooting with Leicas. My main
axe was an M6 with a pre-ASPH 35/2. I had a couple of other lenses and
was about to get a second body. TX in D-76, Leica with a Summicron. Pure
and simple.

No, it isn't the perfect camera and no, Leica lenses aren't perfect.
But...I loved it. I shot with it all the time. I practiced with it
nightly, and my Leica-handling skills were VERY good. I carried it with
me all the time, from sunup to sundown. I believe I could still work
that camera blindfolded.

It was my axe.

But when my son got dropped into my life, I got caught short of cash in
the very early days while everything was getting sorted out. I knew I
was in for some very rough sailing in the months and years ahead, so I
liquefied all my assets. Everything I could. Including my Leicas, most
of the rest of my photo gear, and most of my darkroom equipment. I just
didn't know whether, or when, I'd need the cash.

Since then, I have just not been in a position to spend three grand on a
camera. Any camera. It would be irresponsible. It's that simple.

It's been surprisingly painful. It's not a complex issue--it's just that
photography has always been my thing, and it's become (irony of ironies)
a luxury a bit beyond my means. I've tried to replace my Leica many
times with something cheaper. Haven't found anything. I go from one
thing to another. I borrow a friend's Leicas from time to time. I do get
cameras to test, but despite my assertions a few days ago, that's no
substitute. I even tried to sell my prints in the magazine, hoping I'd
make enough to buy another Leica. I didn't. Tough petunias, eh? I'll
live.

Difficult though it is for me to admit it, Rabiner's right. I don't own
a Leica. Can't afford to. A bitter pill to swallow. A lot of you guys
are rich. Power to you. I'm not.

Pathetic? Maybe. But I've made my choices, and I'll live with them.

But I guess it means I'm not a member of this club, just as Mark Rabiner
implied. You win, Rabiner, if you want to be that way about it.

- --Mike